Ten things about me....

I swore that I would never do this but Its part of the whole doing things that normally I wouldnt. After all this blog is part of my understanding of blogging and helping me to allow others to know me. I tend to keep my distance from people and it has made things easier on me but has also left me banging my head on the wall and leaving me feeling like Im an outcast to society and frankly everyone else around me. So here goes…

Ten Random things About Me

1. ( I’ll start with the easiest ;P) I was born in NYC in the borough of  Staten Island.
2. Siblings: I have 1 brother (my partner in crime for most of my younger years) and three Half sisters. Two of my half sisters are older than me and from my fathers first marriage. I grew up with one of them in my life (Denise) and I dont know the other one (Donna) much because she moved away to california a long time before I cared to get to know her. donna has CP I think and she is in a wheelchair. My other half sister is from My mothers second marriage,  Amanda . She is the youngest of us all and I was there in her life till I screwed up my life and went on “vacation” for a bit.  After my “Vacation” we kind of got to know each other again until some family problems got in the way and then she moved to Texas with my mum.
3. I have been married for 16 years and have two amazing boys that constantly show me things that I never thought about much before.
4. I havent allays been a saint ( Let me get out my halo first and put on an innocent face..) During my younger years I could be classified as a bratty and troublesome child. I was caught shoplifting in Kmart ( A voltron action figure) and in my teen years, lets just say that The police KnEw very well who I was and I sat on the wrong side of the bars of a cell a couple or so times. I even got on a first name basis with a few nice police officers and one which I didnt know was nice enough to provide me dental work that isnt becoming of an officer and on top f that it was on the dollar of the tax payer. “All I want for christmas is my two front teeth” jingle comes to mind when I think about that.
5. “One  mans trash is another mans treasure”. I’m a recovering  “Pack Rat”. There I said it. I love to collect stuff. Most of the time I see stuff that someone throws out and I grab it thinking that I can fix it. Ive done this more times than I can count and my yard and basement is quite scattered, ok full but you can still walk around, of stuff that I had picked up with good intentions. Ive never had much money after the bills are paid  and I really dont have nice things. Everything that I have all the way up to the  my house is what you would either call “fixer Uppers” or just remnants of my inability to repair for whatever reason which could just be classified as junk. Dont get me wrong, some of it actually has usefulness, at least in my twisted world. A screw that just fits only one thing or a cannibalized motorcycle that I have use for the parts that came off of it. I love to fiddle and tinker with things. I have three pressure washers that dont work to fix the one that does work until it breaks. 
6. Im not that special. This one is something that im sure we all contend with at one point in our lives or another. It may be just a fleeting thing or like mine, something that sticks with you from childhood. There really isnt anything that I consider special about me. I can fix things but thats just one of those dime a dozen things. I “rehabilitated” myself from a thieving punk shithead of a teenager to someone who can keep his hands off other peoples property and actually respect it. that doesnt make me special, it just shows that I can conform to whats expected and respected by most of the planet. I tend to not show my emotions and I stuff them down so that I dont show weakness. Thats not really special now is it. In all it just goes to show that Im really not all that special and that for the most part Im trying to catch up to everyone around me who is already there. If anything that makes me deficient rather than special. May even make me less than average and all in all I still have the fact that Im human to look forward to.
7. For any of those that know me and think that i would walk through fire and take on the world… Heads up cuz I really hate confrontation. You might think that someone who is grumpy and isolated as I am would rather start a fight and loves the commotion but in reality Id rather just ignore confrontation and ignore anything that would make me feel or make me look at myself in a way other than how I perceive myself. In a physical sense I wouldnt hesitate to harm someone who was threatening someone I love or their well being, but if I dont have to get involved then I stay my distance. Worst confrontation for me is emotionally. Its something that I know that I have to deal with and work on but I have my bubble and its been there for a long time. emotional confrontation  makes me have to come out of that bubble and leaves me feeling very unsafe and extremely vulnerable.
8. I think I am to some extent Bi Polar. One minute I can be calm and content and the next I am the person that no one wants to be in the room with.  I can be a neat freak with certain things but on the opposite side I can let a coffee cup sit on my desk for a week with coffee in it before I decide to stop being lazy and toss it in the trash. It may be just the inherited things that I got from Mom , was a clutter freak , and Dad, who would use his hands to pick the fuzz out of the carpet on a daily basis. I think for most of the emotional sides of it Its stored up emotional and  a predisposition to the things taking place where I can separate Bi polar from just being a grumpy.
9. I cant be such a goofball that I would embarrass myself on a daily basis if it wasnt for that RESPECT thing that I have held onto for so many years. I love to laugh ( Yes I like laughing believe it or not) and I like to joke around and just be a kid. I have what some have called a DRy sense of humor and I tend to let it out when i feel most comfortable in the situation im in. me and my brother used to have these weekly things where I would take my mothers make up and put it on him while he was sleeping and he would stuff my brand new sneakers ( I still have to get you back for that you Little shit) chock full of peanut butter in the toes area. I ut my shoes on and Squish. thats ok because he never figured out who threw that sardine in his school bag. ;P
10. I have more ways to communicate to people then I can count and because of my “I dont need anyone” persona that I have put out for years, I rarely reach out to people and by the laws of cause and effect none of those communication channels are ever used . Even my wife thinks that Im the lone ranger or that Im some sort of abnormal walking empty vessel in the needing people category. Truth is that in the past I had made some mistakes in the people who I chose to be close to and it knocked me into the twighlight zone. Noo  not the movie with vampires, the tv show that was on years ago with the freaky happenings. I just cant seem to allow myself to trust people to get close to me. people that I had let into my inner circle betrayed me and tore me apart. they used me and then just ripped my heart  to utter shreds. even the people who you would expect to be there for you that either made that commitment or expressed it just abandoned me when I needed them the most. there are so many people that i have known in my life and so many people that I have allowed to see who I really am and those are the ones that have went to the extreme to tear down the trust that i had in people.  For years I have shielded myself from the outside world not letting anyone get in unless they could pass my vetting process. to those of you who I consider my friend I thank you immensely for not giving up on me and enduring the bullshit that I have given you  in order for me to just begin trusting you. Im hoping that one day I can learn to allow people into my life more easily without the total feeling that  someitme in the future they will bend me over and shove a Mack truck up my ass. It still stands though, I need people that I can turn to and people that I can trust with the other side that doesnt show itself in real ways.

Take a deep breath and just press the publish button… thats whats going through my head at the moment. Im such a coward when it comes to putting myself out there and Id rather walk through fire then tell people my feelings or let them get to know the real me rather than the persona that is me. It wont be such a test because those people who I know in Real life dont even know that this blog exists yet. My wife does  and one other person that I have regular contact with that I call a friend. For the  most part though this is easier than telling people I know. Most of who will read this do not know me and it really wont hurt or embarrass me if they know. 

One day those same people may become friends or may be people who I trust. Its one of the reasons Im here doing this. I cant stay bottled up and expect people to be there for me if I dont allow them in.  How can I even think of that if Im not there for them when they need me… Im such a loser sometimes that its pathetic. Your car needs to be fixed Ill do it free gladly for some people. But if they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to its hard for me to stand still long enough for them to get out the first sentence and i have this wierd uneasy feeling around them that lasts a few days, like they are going to turn into some three headed zombie with arms popping out of their stomaches.

Maybe I am just a tool in thinking that Blogging will help fix things that other people see as wrong with me and those things that I see as wrong with myself.

Anyhow, thats ten things about me that before this i wouldnt have even thought about doing. Its me dipping my toe into the water to see how it is and whether or not Its something that I can do more of..   Ill try to keep this up weekly in listing at least 5 things and see how that works out till I cant find anything else that I need, Want or can share because some of it should remain private and some of it should only be shared with those it involves and not the whole world…

end of the post literary items is going to be something that I start doing.  It may not happen all the time and might be something else like a picture or a quote from a song but it’s just something that I want to do to summarize the post into something that is in a few short sentences. It may be words of my own and it may be quotes from another but I will always give the author due credit. It’s responible to do that and gives them their due respect that they deserve.

“For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe… Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.”
H. L. Mencken
US editor (1880 – 1956)