I had multiple I.V. lines pumping vital fluids into me and I can remember trying to rip them out along with the tube that they had in my throat to assure that I had the necessary oxygen being taken into my lungs. I remember the psychiatrist being there looking at me with a disappointed look on his face that also couldve been taken for pity as I wasnt exactly coherent enough to do my usual face expression recognition. [...]
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I don’t wanna forget the present is a gift Im trying to see the lighter, brighter side of life but its still very grey. I keep thinking about whats ahead and the struggle that will still remain with letting go of what was along with going through it again in trying to help a friend find the way that is right for her. Its just bringing it all back. Its bringing the emotions, the thoughts, the step by step rundown of how my marriage ended. There are so many similarities there and there are so many instances where I could plop myself in her husbands shoes like as if it were happening all over again. Its hard and it sucks but what are friends for. Im still in that state of mind where I wish the world would just forget I ever existed or even me forgetting that there ever was a past history. If anyone knows how to get amnesia without a blunt trauma to the head then please speak up or else Im going to keep looking for it in the bottom of my oj and vodka cup with each one that empties and refills. [...] People can be funny in that way. They believe what they want, they believe what they are more geared towards accepting due to their own life experiences or just the mood of what is being communicated to them. Like I said, their loss. Would suck if I cared. BTW that felt sooo good to say. [...] I see all of this coming out like there was never any good moments. Like I was always there twisting someones thoughts and bending wills to be with in line with mine. I dont think so. I didnt do all of what im being accused of. I did not feel the need to control her in that [...] |
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