Where should I start???
I am trying to get through with world without leaving too much of regret or pain caused by me and who I am.
Im 34 years old. I have two beautiful boys ages 15 and 12. I’ve been a husband to a woman who is very intelligent and very beautiful but thats only some of her many many good traits. We were married on an August day 13 years ago and though it wasnt the begining of the journey that we have been on it was one of the memorable times that I have to look back to. As of this moment thingss seem as they are falling apart and I will likely have Ex put before husband, Not by my choice though. I understand her reasons and I accept my role in the demise of what was our time together. We all make mistakes and it seems that some things just are too hard to forgive and some things are to intense to repair.
Im on this quest to find out more about myself (who isnt these days?) and why I do some of the things that I do. Im not one who loves a load of attention and thats not the reason for this blog. I would be perfectly content with just staying as part of the woodwork and solid as the rock that I was percieved to be by most of the people who know me. They all know I have faults and even in some cases they let me know but usually just let me be. Fact is that I’m not. I have things that the world would consider abonormal or Ill even go as far as saying …ummm.. not so compatible.. with the people around me.
For the most part Ive been a problem solver all of my life. I can take things apart and put them back together with one or two screws left over. Only problem is that in trying to solve my own issues theres always seemed to be something in me, about me, around me that is missing a screw or two to hold it all together. Since the original writing of this about me page though I seem to have been able to visit those things that have plagued my outlook on myself and of my life. I have been dissecting myself , piece by piece in order to correct what has been a destructive force for a long time. I have finally begun to take control of my emotions and have thus far been able to take control of my life as a result of that. I you will read from the begining then you may be able to pick out the differences as time goes along.
Since the time I was 10 I have been in and out of the “system”. I started seeing family counselors since the age of 7, was in a group home by the time I was ten, and then out of there by 14. Ive spent alot of time by myself learning that the only real person that you can depend on is yourself. I got into alot of trouble a little bit later and spent some time reflecting on my actions. Settled down a bit, had my first son before I had even gotten the chance to explore who I was. I felt that I had to be responsible for once and I started the path to try to be an honest man. I have worked very hard to keep from falling back into the same mindset I was in when I was arrested and I pray that I will continue to improve upon myself
Been married for 16 years to the same woman. It hasnt been an easy road. Id have to more say that its been an on and off relationship. We were just kids when we married. niether of us ever really got the chance to explore ourselves as adults before taking on the life of a married couple, father, mother, friend and human. Im not going to speak about her much here because I explicitely asked her not to talk about me on her blog. Its caused some problems in the past and Id rather not agitate or spark a new reason for either of us to get angry and walk away further from each other.
I dont know how much I have to share. Im not sure how long I will do this for but as long as I have the desire, Need, and oppurtunity then I will continue to be as open and as honest as I can without setting my boys or my wife up for catastrophe.
Talking to people isnt new to me at all. Like I said I have been talking to people about what they wanted to hear about me since the time I was 7. Now its time to communicate to me for me.
It isnt always going to be heavy stuff here. It takes time to work through the stuff as it comes out. So , you’ll get some anger, you’ll get some self inflection, you’ll get some laughs (hopefully because Im such a goofball when I want to be) but youll get what’s in my head. Plain , straightforward , and honest as I see it.
Well it looks like you have to be the problem solver for yourself now, (smile) and that is going to be a tricky one.
For one always looks for the easy way or the way that works best for them, but that does not mean its the right way.
I will try to look into this blog ones in a while and check on you and see how you are doing.
Do you know where you want to go or who are.
As you say you have been telling what every body wanted to hear, now it looks to me it is time to listen to you!
Good luck and remember the road to your destination is just as important, no matter how hard it will be or how many obsticals you will find, know where you want to be.
But sometimes it’s not just the road or the destination that’re the only important things 2010asm – it’s also whose hand you want to be holding when you walk that path…..
Drop the wall a little lovely…let in those you trust or step out to meet them because it’s terribly hard to move at all with a solid wall wrapped round you.
Hugs and thinking of you both xx
I don’t think anyone has EVER said anything more important to me… It’s going to be something I’ll treasure always.
It’s OK – the brick has gone… only the crow bar left now…. And yes – I do love you to bits even tho you have driven me nuts and occasionally to tears… but I saw how special you are and just wanted to help let you out…. I still do. No demands or expectations – nothing – as ever and always. Just want to see you happy again. I promise there is nothing in me that you need to protect against… Cept this bloody great torch I’m holding next to the crow bar…. …..
Hugs you tight and sends another to the lady of the house…..
Thank you so much 2010 for the comment that you left for me here. Ive never been too good at solving my own problems and its going to take some time and some courage to sift things around a bit and toss the old worn out parts for new ones that shouldve been put in a while ago. I think the hardest part will be tearing will be digging deep inside this this rusty old wreck. Its not going to be an easy thing, Its not going to happen overnight either. Some things require time , Patience, Love, and trust in order to transform to something that not only you can be proud of but that people will also see and want to be near. I just need to have compassionate and caring people around me as I tinker with the rats nest of wires thats holding it all together. Maybe its time to coax this old wreck out to find out what else needs to be changed… Btw… ben and jerry’s cherry garcia is my favorite and I hate to admit it but I just cant get enough of it:)
Fae I love and really appreciate you but you already Know that I hope. Youve been there for me when I didnt think that I needed a friend and you helped me to trust when I didnt think I could depend on anyone. Youve always said that I was one big curious puzzle that was held togther by brick and morter. Ive never been the one to extend anything more then my pot lock humor and my sooo unpredictable mood swings. You said it yourself when you told me that theres no way in hell that you could ever live with me. It was up to me to to ask myself why. Its been a long time since I had a friend that I could really turn to without being left feeling like I still had to protect myself. Its been a long time since someone has been able to help me to realize that there are people like you who make this world a much better place And I absolutely adore you for that. with that being said….. I know how much you care about your friends.. can we just skip the brick in the urse thing.. My head has enough lumps already.
It matters alot to me to be holding the hand of the one of my chosing. I just dont know if thats possible right now.. But Im begining to realize that I wont be alone. Huggs and wishes my friend…