Just living the life

I know its been some time since the last time that I made an entry here and let everyone know that I am very alive and doing well. Im not sure why I havent been journaling my success here  with as far as i was willing to go in order to admit my faults near the begining of this blog. It would be easy for me to just say that I no longer feel the need to put everything that I am now experiencing and proving to me, because we all know that Im the only one that has to prove anything to myself, but I think that it deserves a bit of mulling over in the same sense that everything else has been gone over.

I tend to over anylize my faults more then I tend to anylize my successes as does every other human on this planet. We all tend to forget that when life is good that there is still room to look at why it is good. I think in most cases its more or less that if we start to look at times when we think that life is good that we may be setting ourselves up for some type of reality check and we just may find that things may not be as good as we percieve them to be. On the other hand there is always the chance that just anylizing the good times may just mean that we are still looking for something that we still have yet to discover, Real happiness.

For Myself , even with things looking somewhat grim in the legal department and financial apects I think overall I am getting along well. Ive been taking my medications less and less but have only noticed that there is more room for my mind to wander and race along with thoughts with the exception that I can still control my thoughts and the direction that they persue. I am still very much in control of the anger that once consumed me in the past along with still being able to see the more positive and brighter sides of life. The balance hasnt shifted and honestly I feel like I am in even better control Of my life and its direction. There are no bad thoughts and honestly I feel like I am better off for it.

Back in late septemeber I had weighed in at nearly 145 pounds soak n wet. Today I am happy to report That I have surpassed me mean weight  of 165 pounds and now are in the realm of close to 180 pounds. This is quite a huge thing for me. I have always been thin build with an athletic sorta shape to me.. I have been able to fit into the same jeans I did when I was 16. I know that some of you out there are cursing me because of the metabolism that I have had and in having that being able to say that Ive never put on more then 5 pounds of fat. Guess what, I am now developing what many would call love handles.

Im so excited about that because Ive always wanted to add some softness to my hard lines but have never been able to keep anything more then  my mean weight on for longer then just the winter period. Now that I have aspirations of adding more muscle to my frame and being more serious about it then in the past Im starting to gain love handles… Now I have to work hard at converting all that extra padding to something that will flex and shape up the way i have been trying to achieve for a long time. My face has filled out and now my face resembles more of that boyish face I used to have with the softer tone to it.

Ive got a few things going for me in the way of life  and living it.  There are a few things that I am really not ready to discuss and there are those things that I made a commitment to not discussing anymore here for my own ppersonal reasons and intrests. Maybe in the future I will feel more apt to do so but for now they will just have to remain mine and mine alone.

Febuary 2 I go for trial. Things are kinda looking good and bad on that front. I had to let my lawyer go because I caant afford to pay him more then I make in two months working full time just for trial and public defenders are giving me the whole speach about how I make too much on unemployment. Im caught in one of those not rich enough but not poor enough type circumstances and it will leave me defending myself at trial or trying to find a probono lawyer that will be willing to take my case which I still have yet to find.

Ill leave you with just a summary. Im alive and well. I am actually gaining weight rather then losing it for once in my life. Love is at a stand still and some relationships are in the frozen zone till I find out wether or not I get free of the charges or going for a short stay. Im ok with that and Ill be ok when I get it over with. I have friends who care, Who want to know this new me and who I greatly apreciate along with actively seeking them out in order to share time with them. I never wouldve seen this months ago but here I am…..

Its 3 am and I need my beauty sleep. I aint getting any younger so its becoming more and more necessary.. Hehe..