Back from the dead

Well its been a week since I came home from the clinic and things are still rather fabulous in my world. Its hard to imagine that it was three weeks ago when I thought the world was crashing down around me and I couldnt see past the curve of what was to come. Ive grown a bit and I have finaly been able to put some pieces together within myself to turn a tin can band into a symphany that turns darkness into light.

Im not exactly sure what was the pivotal point or where it finally hit me that this wasnt the way my life was supposed to be or end. Much of the time in the begining is just polariod snap shots of still images. Nothing that was is order nor was it complete enough for me to remember exactly what happened from the point of my last communications with people as I awkwardly said my goodbyes. Much of the time after that for a period of three or so days is gone nd I can only piece together the happenings from things That I have been told to me by friends that were invvolved in checking in on me as I lay there in I.C.U. hanging onto what was left of my miserable existence.

I had multiple I.V. lines pumping vital fluids into me and I can remember trying to rip them out along with the tube that they had in my throat to assure that I had the necessary oxygen being taken into my lungs. I remember the psychiatrist being there looking at me with a disappointed look on his face that also couldve been taken for pity as I wasnt exactly coherent enough to do my usual face expression recognition. I remember having to be restrained by a few Officers and I remember that I had been tied down to the bed after trying to tear all of the  lines  from me. Other then that I remember only being told at my arrival at the clinic that I was a lucky guy becuse I had stopped breathing and my heart had stopped twice during the initial emergency room pass through on my way to I.C.U. .

I guess in some way Im glad that I cant remember the time that I have lost because it has allowed me to focus more on the now then the what happened and what was. I a little annoyed that I dont remember most of it but at the same time Its just good to know that I made it through to this day with relatively no harm done to my organs. Ill admit was I did was Stupid and wholly selfish. I make no excuses for what I did but as youll see in the coming months, it was a journey that has led me to where I am this day.

I havent been siling nor have I been happier to be alive like I am right now in a few years. even with all of the garbage and the baggage that I still have to deal with and sort through I go to bed waiting for tomorrow to stroll in and wake up feeling like I have a new lease on life. I was hesistant to write before this because I wanted to make sure that It was real and that what Im feeling isnt just some passing phase of too many drugs in my system. I honestly can say now that it is a real feeling and that I can look in the mirror today without looking at myself in a negative way.

What brought about this turning of a catepillar into a butterfly ready to show its beauty and allow it to see it  as it really is. Ill tell you simply and to the point. I had to die in order to rise from the ashes. Well honestly its something like that and I couldve skipped the whole dying bit but its fact and its part of the happenings. Honestly though, in just two weeks I went from being a doped up idiot running around with a plate on his head and another with eyes cut out of it going from person to person in the clinic telling them that they really couldnt see me because I was invisible to a person who could give freely of himself and give support to people who needed it. Each time I did it I realized that I do have very good things to offer the world and that I am that good man that the some of the world has been telling me, Sorry guys but sometimes I am a really slow learner.

I went from being called a pervert because I touched someone on the back to being someone that everyone respected and felt comfortable enough with me to cry on my shoulder. I went from an ignorant, arrogant, self loathing  comic book character to being the one that the staff asked to be president of the community because of the way that I could connect with everyone. I went in as a wreck of a man and walked out with my head high and believing in myself as well as my ability to love thy nieghbor, cherishing the day and seeing the things in myself that have been buried.

Things in this mans life will never be the same and I have to say that Its bout damb time that I finally pulled my head out of my ass. I found faith in tomorrow, I found Life after death, I found friends where there were none and I found that I am worth more then this world can put a price tag on.

I know that life will have its trials to this new discovery of mine. I know that in the coming years I will be tested and that hell shall pass before me again. I also know that with the positive outlook that I now posses, Nothing can stand in my way nor can any individual or institution can take that from me. I have been laughing in the past two week more then I have in the past two Years. Ive been smiling so much that my face actually hurts from the workout. I have been eating so much that my sister just commented that I filed out and I look healthier then I have in a few years.

This day is mine to shape and mould as I wish. The next day will be mine after Im done living in today. The future is mine to live and learn in. This is the gift I have been given and have accepted. This is the real me that I have been trying to rediscover. This is the me that I wanted to get back to and was just out of reach for one excuse or another.

I have found my purpose in life for the time being.. Im here to help people selflessly and with out reguard as to wether they will turn down my help and without expectation of  something in return. It is my forte to be able to offer a hand up or even a houlder to cry on. Ive learned what real friends are and hpw to be one again. Tonite I was able to show another person that they are not alone and that there are people in this world who without motives other then to be there to help. Yesterday I did the same thing as well as the night before that and the night before that. It feels good to be able to give freely without the fear of being hurt by those close to you. It feels good that people see what you are extending to them and they are able to take  it without the fear of having to give something back in return.

Ive heard time and again that giving is the same as recieving. Ive heard that to give is the road to healing. Im practicing that by being there for a friend that was an hour away and rushing to her side because she had the urge to go back to the behaviors that have been ruining her life for a long time. Her tears of joy to see that people she had only met a few weeks ago, were there for her to show her that we cared and would go out of our way to help ensure her sobriety and help reenforce her promise that she made to herself. It felt good to be able to be there, To hear her voice chance from one of angst over the phone to one of happiness that she had special friends that would come to her side in the midst of dealing with their own demons and shortcomings.

I went to a meeting with her and another friend from the clinic and I have to say that it was a great meeting. So many people just listened as she spoke of her cravings for her drug of choice and then offered warm welcomes as well as intensifying the feeling that she was not alone, that she had people to turn to in times of weakness and dispair.

On that note at the same time I would like to say that I have not had an ounce of alcohol at all. there are those thoughts about just having one drink to loosen up but i have to say that being more comfortable then ever with myself really takes the need for me to drink. I like myself, I like who I AM and I dont feel like I need to crawl out of my skin anymore. Theres no more poor lil old me anymore. Now what I hear in while I look in the mirror is ” My, That guy is handsome, That guy in the mirror really does care about people, That guy in the mirror just made someones day just by being positive and sharing a smile and a laugh”. I focus on the positives rather then the what ifs or the crap that brings us down.

Ive found places in the unlikliest of all places… The loon bin. This time rather then just trying to get the hell out of there I actually learned what they were trying to give me, A route to a healthy life. Group after group I learned how to open up and share. group after group I learned once again that I had something to offer the world other then more methane gas as I digestedmy meal and alcohol. I learned that people are out there whle have traveled the same path I did and now hold life dearly.

Its sad that I had to die to be reborn. I am glad though that I went through it for now IM more of a person then I have felt for a long time. many were pulling for me and now is when I must thank them from the bottom of my heart. a few went out of their way to assure that I knew they were there for me.

Id like to take this time to offer my prayers to 2010 in the struggles that are being encountered there. I would like to say thank you to those who have commented and have shown me what friends they are to me , even if only commenting . Im truely blessed to have such good people backing me in my struggle to find life again. I am honored to know you all and I pray that you are all safe in all ways.

Im back… IM better, IM alive and Im lovin IT……