This is something that I need to write and have needed to write for a while now but just wasnt sure how to get it out. I was told that I didnt love my wife, just that I was dependant on her. I dont agree with that one bit. Some of my actions have made it hard to believe or see. I know this , especially when I was distraut and in fear of losing the woman I loved.
I am not in any means the perfect guy. I may not have been able to show my love in the way that would have proclaimed it to the world. I know some times I do have difficulties with that and it is something that I am working on and need to refine in order to express that love more. I am working on being able to allow that worth, that saving grace, that all of me to find its way out into the world where in all circumstances whether it be when im uncomfortable or feeling threatened that I can allow it to overshadow the rest.
I havnt been the most forgiving that I could have been and I should have handled things that angered me differently to the extent that the love I felt still was shown instead of closing it in to protect myself.
How do I know that I still love Kelly? Because I know that I dont need her to do things for me because I am perfectly able to do them myself. I know that even though she is hurting me that I still want to console her and try to be there in a supportive way the best that I can. Even though she has been harsh to me and very angry I still feel that emptiness without being able to see her face, hold her hand, kiss her forhead. My every other thought is about her and not in a possessive or angry way. Yes there are times where after being beat down I get angry but even then I would gladly still lay my heart and soul on the line. It wouldnt be for the life I had, It would be for the rest of the new life we could have.
I know all she has is anger and all she can do is blame me for this . I know that most likely this will fall on deaf ears to the one that it is meant for. I know that She just wants me to fall off the face of the earth and to just forget about her but I cant forget about what I do feel inside that got buried under piles of crap over the years.
I do still love her, I dont depend on here but I do love her. Even now my back is on fire because of the medication Im taking and when there are strong emotions thats what happens. A friend once told me that love is like being home, like the feeling of home. I want to be home again. I want to feel that warmth from her as I shower her with the tenderness and the love that she deserves even after all that has happened. No she isnt the only woman in the world and no in some ways she may not be the best woman in the world for me but you dont get to choose the ones that your heart belongs to .
I do still deeply love her and the fact that only she can hurt me so badly should say something. We both made mistakes, Weve both hurt each other, Weve both been hurt. Fact still remains that a part of my heart is a void.
I still love her, I alwys will no matter how vicious she gets with me or how painful it gets. You just cant shove something out of you that you feel so strongly about. Maybe in time she may come to realize that it is true and that it is real and that I mean it when I say it, Be it here, Into the night when Im going to sleep, In my prayers and everytime I blink my eyes. It may just be one sided now but its something that I just cant stop.
Kelly even though your getting on with your life and there is no place for me in it… I will love you till the day my heart stops beating. Its just part of me. Its something I cant ignore no matter how hard I try. No matter how hard I try to wish it away. No matter how many times I get hurt. Its real. Its there. I cant and wont deny it. If I denied it then I would be denying myself of a true feeling. You can but I have to be true to myself and telling myself I dont love you would be lying to myself..
And how does it feel to have said this? Feels good huh?
Sure you still love her, how can you not seeing you have been together for a long time and have children together.
The question is does she feel and have felt for you the way you feel about her.
That is the question, i said before there is a reason for this happening but it might not be for you but for somebody else and you had to be part of it.
I KNOW what you mean by being home with somebody but that somebody has to be home with you to.
I dont think it strange you can not show how it should be, for you have never learned how to and you both being young when you started she could not teach you.
She can not blame you for that and she (I think) knows how you feel.
Where 2 people fight 2 are to blame and anger clowds up what’s REALLY going on.
When you can get pass that things become clear and you will be able to talk again, I do believe that is possible but honesty is the key word here.
You stay honest to yourself Charlie and who knows what will follow. Hee!!!!! did you think everybody is perfect exept you? hahaha now that is weird (smile)
We ALL make mistakes Charlie…….. its true!!!!!!
I made mine as my neighbour made his and your friend and you and Kelly to.
Nobody is perfect hmmm??? now some THINK they are but they will also find out one day they are not.
No! we do the best we can and love as we know how.
You will be fine, I want to be home so badly to WHEW!!!! And I KNOW I will be ………. and you will to again one day!
2010: It kinda felt good but im putting myself out there. It will give her sort of pwer because if she ever reads that she will know how I really feel.. I just had to get it out there. I had to let it be known reguardless of what kind of hurt it brings me.. Im just being true to myself there…
Well lets hope she will not use it against you huh? She will calm down again and you said what you wanted, even though sometimes its better not to say anything and be silent this is what you feel and needed to say.
you will be fine Charlie its all dealing with what is going on.
I AM happy your words show some calm, you know you should find a smile even when its just one a day (smile) it would do you good.
And let people talk you know what is good for Charlie and when he wants to speak, do!
I know how you feel, Charlie. I am glad you got it written down…all of that helps you heal. I am sure you will always have love for her. You were together a long time, hon. Don NOT let her use this to get to you…You have the power and control over your life. Don’t let anyone else have that. Hang in there, you are doing great, Charlie! I am soooo proud of you! lots of hugs and love
You are getting there lovely – those barriers you once felt you didn’t dare remove are coming down and I know that, for a while, you wished they were still as thick and high as they once were….but we can all see how much more able you are to express your love – not only for Kelly but for friends too – and I don’t think you could have said such things publicly even a few months ago…. Keep going ! You are becoming who you should have been had you had a chance way back…. Big hugs sweetheart!
{Sorry I’ve been ‘away’ and I’ve fallen behind on reading your posts, but I continue to support you from afar and through prayer – every day.}
I’m glad you put it out there. It’s the right thing to do. We’re called to love, even when it’s difficult. Especially when it’s difficult. Keep loving, Charlie.