Ive just spend the better part of the day trying to get some things done here. I know , I know, I should be out living life then inside playing with the blog.
Fact are as follows:
- Im Unemployed
- I have no life
- I had to wait for the windshield in my jeep to be replaced by the guy
- I had to wait for my wife to come back from the dentist after lots of Novocaine
- I was here rather than sleeping because they pulled the nursing care during the days for my disabled son.
- Im slightly depressed…. ok, ok, Pretty depressed by whats going on in my life and I really dont have the energy or the want to do anything other than just be… Yes JUst exist.. I swear it’s a punishment sometimes
Fact is that I’ve totally isolated myself by one means or another to keep people from getting to the core of me. It’s a natural defense that I have. Nuuuu, I didnt pioneer it ..dammit… Just think about how much Id be making on the patent rights… Why Not? If they can patent the pigs gnome they why not patent a self defense technique. Mmhmm.. every time that someone writes something dealing with self preservation and isolating oneself in order to keep risks to a minimum I would get paid. It would be the ultimate pay per click. I bet you that someone could even get away with it if they tried it. Just look at the “Clean Air Act” or “Cap and Trade”. Al gore is salivating and drooling because every time someone takes a breath of something that occurs natural to every Living being on this earth he will be hearing “cha ching”. I guess that Clarence , the angel of “It’s a Wonderful Life”, was just as enthusiastic about hearing a bell ring.
I also guess thats why the government also wants to bring in the saving grace of the all so efficient government health care system. If they ever pass “Cap and Trade” they are going to have a pandemic that will reach across the nation as increased blood pressure and heart attacks for the first couple of years as people realize how much less they can afford and how much more just eating is going to cost them. I wouldnt be surprised in the least if it’s a double tap on the country as a whole. I wouldnt be surprised if one will bring about the other in whatever order. We are just income to most of those that we elected in to represent us. After all look how good our judgement was on who we sent to washington. I dont hate government< I just despise a Government that wants to reach into every nook and cranny of your life and then go on television and spread the word of freedom and liberty.
Speaking of government. I”m sure that by now most of you have heard of congressman Joe Wilson’s Liar Outburst and today I read on Google News about how congress wants to discipline him for Speaking his mind. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m really not familiar with the guy in the lest bit. the first time I have ever heard his name was with his “INAPPROPIATE” remark towards our elected President. How is it that the congressional body can have the muster and the balls to go after a guy that is getting shit on left and right because of this health care debacle, they feel the need to make sure that the members of that legislative body maintain civility towards the President on this republic. ?How come those prudent and socially adept congress people can punish and ridicule a member of their own body when they cant seem to show RESPECT for the people they supposedly WORK FOR?? Why Isnt Madam Pelosi or Chairperson Barney Frank or the rest of those fucking disrespectful assholes raise a banner of war or indecency when members of their body ,call americans, We the People, astro turf or Bible thumping fringe extremists. They really need to get a grip on reality before they really do piss someone or a bunch of people off and continue to insist that we have no clue as to what we need or what we want.
I know I rant long and I’m Sorry. I just have this need to talk, to express myself, To vent. I promise that I will get better at this and will tone the word count down a bit and try to stay to a few topics rather than crossing from one place to another like that. Im new to this and I tend to refine all Most the things I do in time…..
Yes – there’s someone listening. and yes – you should have trusted the friend to go to your core with you all that time ago… You do indeed have your own baggage and it’s time you let the line shine into those dark places… I carry a crow bar in my bag and will happily use it… and then stand back to whack the monsters with it as they run from the light…
You say you want to fight for your marriage – I think you always have – anyone reading this can see you have – more than once. Trouble is while your wife is dealing with her past she will be changing – you say so yourself when you talk about the coccoon at the end of the process becoming something else… Is it time you did the same? Your friends may well be scattered and of no practical help – but they ARE your friends… and some will support you and be there for you as long as you want or need them. Time you understood they have shoulders too….and you are allowed to use them. You think they aren’t strong enough?… They are. Reach out and hold on to them and don’t let go. You are in a hellish place right now. Many of us have had at least some of what you are going through right now. We are still here.
There’s so much here that I want to respond to, to comment on. But I’m not quite sure what I should say here, as opposed to what I should say privately. I’m still thinking about all of it, still trying to absorb some of what you’ve said here.
But I did need to comment on this one, because it’s the only way I know how to do something that I probably should have done a long time ago, and won’t put off anymore… When your issues, your problems, and your pain all involves me, I can’t always be the person you turn to. Even if it isn’t about me, sometimes you DO need others to listen. You’ve always insisted and demonstrated that you need no one, and I got used to that – so in part, I’m just not used to sharing you. Period. That’s my problem, though, not yours.
So, before I chicken out…
@ Fae – Thank you. Because as much as some days I’d like to be, I can’t be his everything. And he’s a bit stubborn, so he sometimes needs someone to chase him down and corner him before he’ll let anything out, or accept the shoulder or ear that’s being offered. I owe you an apology, regardless of whether or not we’ve ever spoken – because in reality you’ve never really given me a reason to feel threatened by you, the fact that I did was just my own issues speaking up. But more than that, I want you to know how much I appreciate the friend you’ve been to him, and that I do feel better knowing that he has someone that he can turn to with all of this, someone to be there when he needs them. He’s an amazing man in so many ways – the only one that doesn’t see it is him.
So, Charles… know that I won’t begrudge you talking to Fae, or your other friends. I know you need them, and it’s unfair of me to allow my own insecurities to get in the way of that. You know what I need to feel comfortable with it – and I really have no choice but to let go and trust you to either give that to me, or not – that’s up to you. No matter what’s going on, I do love you. Don’t ever forget that, don’t ever think it’s not the truth. I’d write more, but I have plans tonight that I need to go get ready for…
K. Thank you for all you have said tonight.. I feel truly warmed by your words. You have a very special man – stubborn and bullish at times it’s true – and as you say, only he can’t see how special he is. He loves you til it hurts and I know you love him. You’re intelligent and perceptive, a wonderful writer and able to reach out and accept the emotional support you are offered. I will admit it took me a long time to get his trust… a very long time. But something kept telling me he was worth it. To me he’s the brother I never had and I promise you you never were threatened because even when he’s angry, his life, his head, his heart and soul ALL revolve around you….tho there’s no doubt that he’s not great at showing you…..I plan to be here for him as long as he needs someone to vent to but please know that ultimately all he wants is you….. You have to be one special lady because love that doesn’t happen too often.
Thank you for understanding my friendship. x
thanks for the shoulder and the support . Lord only knows where Id be without it. Its really time for my own transformation, toake down the tattered sails, point to the shore and bring it on home. Not much else left to do for a weary crew. thanks again and huggs
I dont know what to say. In some way the defensive side of me is wanting to come out but I cant see that you meant it in a way that would hurt me. Yes we have a ton of stuff going on right now and theres more under the surface that I can only start to express. Reading this really made a tear come to my eye. I know Im not always the husband you need and I know that I have some things to work on and i believe that you mean everything said. even more I feel it.
I love you more then I am able to say most of the time and by god being my witness Im really trying to be the man that you deserve, the friend that you can look towards and the one person in this world that wont let you down. it may not be realistic to think that i can be your everything but with time and some patience on both our parts i think that we both can agree that there is a reason why we have come this far.. I love and in the past i may not have been able to fully show it or express it but I am trying and I am putting things into words be it written or spoken.
We all learn from the past, its how we define ourselves and in part its what defines us.from the bottom of my heart > i love you and thank you more then you know…….. It takes a big person to say what you said and thats one of the reasons that I love you and admire you so much. I tend to look towards you when Im not sure of things and I try to take what you have given me to heart and to practice. I hope that you can see that through all of the sediment that has layered itself on top of me and I hope that in what ever way things turn out you will realize that.