I know that i cant just wish it all away. There are things that I hold onto just in case I see the pattern again, Just in case I catch wind of something that scares the hell out of me. It is really some scary shit to me. Just like anyone who has ever been through something so traumatic that it actually reached your soul and took the life right out of you, you’ll understand how powerless you are to that fear in some cases. I hold on to it but I dont want to anymore. I dont know if It’s really necessary anymore. Ive just been holding onto it for so long that now rather than being something that will protect me, its become something that is eating at me. It’s toxic and it isnt doing any good anymore. It’s just sitting there getting in the way and keeping me from moving forward. Ive held it for so long that I dont know how to get rid of it. Just to think about it makes me pull back into my shell, worst part is I havent had any reason to summon it.
I see its face on TV. I’ve seen it in the rear view mirror. I’ve had to be in the same room with it at Funerals. Its name has come up a hundred miles from where it started. Thing is that I never since that point had to fear it. It’s really invaded so much of who I was. It has crushed me to the point of not wanting to live . It’s taken everything that I ever loved and everything that I have ever cherished and spoiled it. I’ve tried to run from it but it’s always there at the next corner just taunting me. I’ve tried to drown it out with spirits but it’s always found its way into the bottle with me and waited till I was sober again to smack me in the face. Nothing I do or anyone does seems to make it go away. It’s there, always there, just waiting for the slightest cue to engulf me.
I dont know if I can ever be rid of it. I can say that I tried so many times to just will it away. I wont allow its name to be said in my house because of the way that it destroys me. I curse those that call upon it and welcome its friends over for cake and weddings. Its mate wont let it die. She just constantly seems to keep resuscitating it. So many things were lost when it came into my life and I was oblivious to the way that it squirmed in and rested on my couch, Ate my food, played with my child,interacted with my wife. I despise it, I fear it, I hate it. I dont want it around anymore. Its cost me too dearly.
Taken away my pride, my trust, my ability to invest in love. It posed as a friend, listened to my concerns, laughed with me. I’ve taken it to work, spent hard days labouring with it. Its finished my sentences and stole my thoughts. Its given me good memories just to tear them to shreds and watch me cringe as they come to mind. Its been my partner in crime and kept me from trouble. Yet even after all these years, after all times I have pushed it away it still remains.
Every man has things that defines who he is. Every man has limits to what he can handle. Everyone has events that will haunt him for eternity. Every man has something that is the opposite of what he believes himself to be. I dont want to see it anymore. I dont want to know. I dont want to call upon that when something doesnt seem right. I dont want to fear it. I dont want to depend on it for my own security. I just want it to go. I want it to vanish. I want it to stop plaguing me. I want it to cease to exist.
I want it to feel my pain. I want it to experience the loss. I want it to torment like I do. I want it to feel insecure like I do. I want it to die like I did. I want it to feel the sensation of it. I want it to feel the emptiness and feel the burning through its veins at the same time. I want it wake up shaking. I want it to not be able to go to sleep. I want it to feel the terrors in the darkness. I want it to shrill in the sunlight. I want it to beg for its forgiveness and I want it to wallow in its own pity.
It has many names. It hides in many places. You cant run from it, you cant hide from it. It knows who you are. Its smells the fear and comes running at every chance that it gets. It has a face. It produces so many feelings at once. It shows up at all the wrong times. It knows when your weak and it feeds off of that weakness.
It’s always there laughing and ridiculing , telling you that you dont have a chance.
This song so, just, fits and I hope you agree. Its one of those that Ive found myself singing at the top of my lungs as the little kids in the car next to me look in wonderment how a grown man can make such an ass of himself in broad daylight.
“Sympathy for The Devil”
Rolling stone But you already Knew that
Please allow me to introduce myself
Im a man of wealth and taste
Ive been around for a long, long year
Stole many a mans soul and faith
And I was round when jesus christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game
I stuck around st. petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the czar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain
I rode a tank
Held a generals rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made
I shouted out,
Who killed the kennedys?
When after all
It was you and me
Let me please introduce myself
Im a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed before they reached bombay
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But whats confusing you
Is just the nature of my game
Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me lucifer
cause Im in need of some restraint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or Ill lay your soul to waste, um yeah
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, um yeah
But whats puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, um mean it, get down
Woo, who
Oh yeah, get on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!
Tell me baby, whats my name
Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
Tell me baby, whats my name
I tell you one time, youre to blame
Ooo, who
Ooo, who
Ooo, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Oh, yeah
Whats me name
Tell me, baby, whats my name
Tell me, sweetie, whats my name
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Ooo, who, who
Oh, yeah
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