This is going to be the JunK Draw. I think Im going to use the title a bit in order to just use this once or twice a week to sift things a bit in order to help me investigate things that need investigating. It may be emotional, may be real stuff I find, not quite sure just yet. Stick around and you might be able to prove that the infamous Do-do bird isnt extinct. Ummm all of you types that are organized might want to run for your life. I have tons of junk and it isnt categorized in any meaningful order. I’ll even dump a few draws on the floor just to make you frantically want to organize it. and crazy glue everything in place so you cant move it and fulfill your fetish for order. I do this to my sister who has to have her ens this way and post its square to the table and rubberbands all nice and neatly laid out in size, color, and width.
Im getting into the bad bad habit of starting posts and then not getting back to them. Since yesterday There has been soo , Soooo much that has been going through my head.
So many things that are just coming into perspective.
Fact is, Its been happening for a while now. You just dont turn around one day out of the blue and say” Im an emotional terrorist”. Right?
No its a gradual thing that seeps in and as things become slowly apparent you wrestle with the notion that you acted in a way that you cant really rationalize. thing that seem odd, out-of-place, out of control. When it happens , It’s a bitch slap on both cheeks for sure.
Things pile up and add to the equation. They start slow. Maybe you just noticed that for something like where the towels are placed in the bathroom makes you soooooo mad that you just have to carry on like a bull in a china shop. Your dogs run from you most of the time even though you havent said a word yet. You start to engage in things that compromise your integrity or begin to notice that you’re looking for things that you shouldnt. You dont know why but it happens.
You can and will usually dismiss them as odd happenings but your really not much concerned. A pattern developes and instead of dismissal its curiosity. You sift through other things that you swear had no connection but that feeling that they belong in the same puzzle box wont go away. Its something alright but you dont have enough to figure it out so you put in down for a bit and it gets ignored for a while longer. A few other things gather and a picture starts to form.
at that point you can do the same thing that you have been which really leads you no where but back to that box of junk that didnt fit. curiosity sets in further as you hold it on your hand, pulling at it, nudging it, weighing it and measuring it. While your sitting there holding onto it and fumbling it between fingers something occurs that you need to focus on . While dealing with this new thing you come across one piece of information that leads you to another and then another. Stopping dead in your tracks now, the thing that your holding and fumbling around in your fingers is there in the information. grabbing another from the junk box you see its there too. Finally it all adds up and now the reason why you couldnt attach them to the picture was because it belonged to the picture frame.
those junk pieces didnt belong in the picture at all. They belong to what presents the picture for viewing. Fitting like they were made from each other but separate by the way they are seen in the total perception of things.
This past day has been a total rush of discoveries for other things that I long ago forgot I had put into junk draws all over my mind. Things that I ignored and dismissed earlier. Things that were important enough to the self but ignored and overshadowed by the ego. I know psych babble mumble jumbo , but if you aint ready to read it you wont get it.
It’s only been one day since pieces came together enough to make it clear and that has led me to other information that has been hidden in the picture that has reminded me of the junk drawers Ive been keeping all along.
Did mommy and Daddy fuck up… Psyco babble literature says, yes, they did. Ill get into that another time though. I promise it wont end up on the to be finished list of posts. More importantly though I come to believe that there have been other severe events that helped contort and stunt parts of me immensely and contributed to a regression in my ability to cope. Gesus, and this on the first day.
Im a repair tech, I fix things, the neighborhood handy man Mr fixer upper.. It’s in my nature. Im a natural problem solver and I am good at collecting information. I have parts of things that Im sure I havent touched in years but the second I see them I know most of the time what they are for. I have so many screws that I dont know what to do with them all but I can almost always find that one that fits right. It’s the right circumference, the right thread size, the right length and the right type of head. Thing is that until I need it I forget I have it. If I just came across it by chance I wouldnt know what to do with it.
I just described this to a new friend during a discussion that I have to say really put some things into their proper context and perspective for me. She asked a few questions that shifted my mind a bit. Not a shift that would distract or take from the process but allowed other pictures to form and the right screws came up. Nooo you dirty minded people not that type of screw… see the paragraph above this on please….
I hadnt been looking for it. I knew it was there and forgot about it, came across something that could use it, realized where it rightfully fit.
Yeah a starting point towards a new perspective on the world that I dropped years ago or just never got to that part of the movie. IM not raging about it though, Angry, Yes its a very healthy emotion, but Im not raging which is just as destructive at hate. Im 34 years old, its do or die time folks. Waiting to die isnt living and thats where I was. I want to laugh. I want to be happy, I want to sing again at the top of my lungs because it’s how I want to feel rather than what im trying to convince myself i feel like singing
In time there are going to be some things that Im going to have to get out. I think alot of it has to deal with a few things that I put away years ago that has been a nagging problem I wanted to ignore. Needs that I myself never fulfilled for myself and hurts that I dont know how to deal with properly. Ive come to see that It has mixed together in a way that makes it impossible to live properly or at all without the fear of being betrayed , hurt, and abandoned turning into fits of rage, aggression, and distrust. Worst of all much of it is me not listening to the self, pacifying the ego to allow the child free roam in my actions. I think thats what I have in the first day. Still hard to really form a tatol picture with all this stuff whizzing by and falling into the right area.
Im no way fixed. I havent even started. Im aware now. There is no reason for congrats or anything like that. I want Praise for just knowing. They arent deserved. Example. You go out one morning to start you car, but it Wont start. You know it wont start but that doesnt fix it. Look under the hood a little and notice a few things but your not sure exactly where the real problem lies. You know there is a problm and all you have done was sit there scratching your chin when you should be doing something But you still havent fixed it. You still havent even taken the tools out or called the mechanic…
Id Just cant wait to see the bill and itemized expenses for this fix… it’ll rival the last dental quote I got last year for the work I need to have done or the insane amount that a lawyer charges for forclosing on your house.
Last thing, How utterly Ironic that most of the literature I have come across from the abused/enabler side of it tends to talk about how selfish and egotistical the abuser/comtroller is. So far all of the repair literature Ive read about tells you that your one and only concern Is the self and not to worry about anything else. Selfish is not the self but you would be called self centered which is being selfish and tending to the self with the focus on the self which isnt being selfish at all… No wonder it takes 8 years to get a doctorate in this shit and why it costs so much. Took me ten minutes just to write that without getting dizzy. Maybe I am reading, convoluting and taking it all wrong but WTF. Ahhh he mind of a mad man.
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