Well I left off with Bella and now comes the rest of the story.

The day after she died I got a call from her mother telling me about her death. I was driving along the road after getting coffee and got the phone call… Her mom said “are you sitting down”. I knew then something was seriously wrong. I told her to wait and drove about three minutes before I pulled off into a church parking lot… Heard what her mom had to say and instantly broke down. I then went home and just tried to find something comfort me but there was nothing. Then out of the blue Kelly and my sister come over to console me and offer their condolences. I just needed a shoulder to cry on and Kelly’s was there so thats what I did.

The next day I got a call from my ex-wife telling me that My youngest son Chris was in the Emergency room and that I should get down there because they were going to intubate him. That was like a one two punch. after they intubated him they transfered him to Childrens hospital and I drove down there. Some members of the family was there with us at Childrens hospital. Kelly needed to leave for a while so I said I would stay with Chris. She said she would be back in a few hours .  She was supposed to be there at like  midnight but didnt show up till around 2:30 am. I was a little pissed at her and got even more angry when she showed up high on atavan and her friend that she lives with looked like she was on something too.. Both of their eyes were bloodshot and at that point I just left.

The next few days was spent going to the area where Bella died trying to find out information on exactly where and who was with her. I parked in the neighborhood for hours and just sat there waiting for someone to walk by to talk to and see if they kneew her and see if they knew exactly what happened… It paid off and I got the info I needed. I still had that sense of urgency to find Bella and it didnt go away till the day of her veiwing and then her funeral.

I went to where bella was living and sat in the bed of the room that Bella was renting. A few of the housemates were there and I told them I wanted a few items of hers that I had absolute right to. They understood and we went through her stuff. I had given her a yellow bunny one day that I won from one of those grapple games. She slept with it every night since the day I gave it to her. I took that along with the thrift store items she bought from the times we went to the thrift stores to look at things .. she loved to do that and so did I.

The day of her funeral I arrived about 6 hours early with bunny in hand  and just waited accross the street. Her father and her fathers side of the family pulled up about 3 pm. Her father, “Ray” said he didnt recognize me. Here I am , sitting there, a grown man, with this stuffed bunny in my arms, eyes teary and shaking because it was going to be the first time I seen her in a week and I knew it wasnt going to be “her”, just what was left behind.

I took it upon myself to walk into the funeral parlor and as soon as I walked in I got a verbal slap in the face. Her aunt asks me ..” who are you and why are you here?” . Her father looked at me coldly and just said that I shouldnt be there at that time because it was for family only. I didnt go around the corner to see her right away because I knew that if I did, I was going to break… and when I got the courage which was driven by needing the proof it was actually her  and she was actually gone… I took the steps till I dropped onto my knees about half way to the open coffin. Ive been to alot of funerals and I have been to alot of viewings but never has one ever impacted me like this. There she was, My Bella, Laying there in a coffin. She was 10 days shy of her birthday when she passed and it was only a few days before her bady that she was laid out like that.

I was devistated because I kept telling myself that it couldnt be her. it wasnt my Bella her mom and dad went to go identify at the morgue.. theres no way it was/is her… I couldnt fathom losing her … Not like that

There I stood though… Broken, A mush of a man that couldnt support his own weight. Add to it feeling so unwanted and uncomfortable by her fathers side of the family… I wanted to scream, cry, punch things, Crawl into a hole and just disappear. I just wanted some comfort, some validation from her family that I treated her right and she was happy, But didnt get it at all, Not even her mothers side of the family.

I met so many people that night it was all a blur. I knew a few of the people that had come to pay their respects and even my brother and his wife came from NY to pay their respects and be there for me. Because of the bunny I carried that night, the fact that Bella told me how her family would react to me, The way they all reacted… I felt so alone and angry and so discarded. The fellows who let her in their house the night before she died  and then found her after they came home from work the next day decided to show up.

I approached them and told them that before they even think they are going to see her that I wanted to talk to them , needed to talk to them and would violently drag them out if I had to.

There was some suspicion that they just left her there to die while they protected their own intrests.. and As of this date I have heard many things , all the same story… I walked outside and they followed . I took them accrossed the street as to not interupt the viewing but some people, about 20 decided that I wasnt in my right mind nor did I have the right to do this to these scumbags.  I told them to go away and to think about if it was their wife , daughter, girlfriend, would they want a few minutes alone with the people who spent the last hours with their loved one wanting to hear the details knowing they were scumbags.

After about 20 minutes of talking I knew they werent telling the truth. I politely shook their hands, explained to them that if I found out they were lying to me that I would come visit them while they were sleeping and allowed them to go in and pay their respects. I was angry that I had to let them anywhere near her but in the topic of best intrests and the non support that I was getting from the family I had no choice at all but to let it happen. Ive never wanted to gouge out someones eyes before then but that day… the only thing that was stopping me was the many witnesses and the fact that it would disrespect her and her day.

The last bit of the night , last half hour, I wasnt sure if I would get to see her the next day because it was the services and her burial. So I got kind of emotional. I went up to the coffin a few time to talk to her , I stroked her hair for a minute or two, compared the scar on both of our fingers that we gotten days apart which were in the exact same location and size and coloring. I kissed her on the forehead and then on the lips and went outside to calm down.

When I cam back in from trying to calm down I wanted to go sit near the coffin or stand there in respect. I was blocked by her Aunt ( the one who asked me who I was in the begining) and a family friend and told that I was freaking out  the people there and that I should leave. That hurt. I was angry but I  said to them in the best voice I could muster.. Fine.

The whole night her mother and father introduced her ex boyfriend and older friends to everyone  else. There I stood alone and other then People I knew through Bella not once did I get a ” and this is Bella’s boyfriend Charlie “, Not once. I felt stupid and like a freak and just so insignificant even though she thought the world of me and told all of her friends I was the one that made her happy and made her feel accepted. I never judged, never was condescending , Did just about everything right. I never got that validation from her family.As a matter of fact at one point her mother was watching a slide show on the tv that they had there and Bella’s prom pictures came up and her mother decided to tell the people watching that Bella would still be with him if she hadnt messed up with him and Bella wouldnt be with that guy she was with … She didnt know I was there and was listening. Nuttin like hearing wut followed after that to put a spike into someones being but I wont even go into that.

That night I spent with one of Bella’s ex boyfriends that was still in love with Bella to try to console him and get some consolation. I got drunk with him and wound up sleeping on the floor in his room. Really decent guy but still a bit immature and I could see why Bella would gravitate to melike she did… Me and Joey were alot alike in many ways.

The next morning I went to the services. Got there as late as I could so that I didnt have to feel the staring eyes and the looks of pity and scorn from the family. There was one thing that really sent me some validation and made me feel like I had impacted her life alot. Her cousin was speaking after the pastor. He prepared a speech and he used a quote that I had given Bella a few weeks before so that she could use it to motivate the people she was living with and spread some good tidings through text messages to her friends and family. When I heard the quote I wanted to jump up and say ” See you assholes, I was there, I was doing the right thing, I was trying to help her while all of you were doing your bullshit lives not wanting to visit her and making her feel  like she was an outcast.” I refrained from that secretely having the satisfaction knowing that The quote was the one I showed her .. It simply says:

“Life can only be understood backwards;

 but it must be lived forwards.”

the Day Bella was buried it was raining and it was a long drive to the cemetary. I still really felt so unwanted and so awkward for being there but I stayed. Her plot was a family plot and her name wasnt even on the stone yet. I stood there without an umbrella while everyone else had one except a few people. Same clothes I wore the night before, In my leather jacket and it was a little cold. The burial went on. After everyone payed their final respects they all left and I stayed. I watched them lower her into the ground, Put the cement top onto the box that the coffin was lowered into. Watched as the Backhoe clumsily dumped dirt into the open hole and then how the cemetary workers just lumped the flowers on her grave. I had to leave then. I couldnt take anymore and with my son still being on the resperator and this and the feelings that were going through me, I was wet, cold, feeling alone, I had to go find another bottle to hide in to numb the pain a little.

Of course I floundered on going to see my son through this. Kelly hit me up for about 400 dollars that week which I just gave in order to keep a fight from happening because I just didnt have it in me. I had just bought a used car in order to get to see Bella more and there was the whole probation thing again. Lets just say I was overwhelmed. I needed a break from reality , the troubles and the drama.

Over the next two months I was getting tipsy every night again. Couldnt sleep without feeling that way. Southern Comfort and Heinekin became my best friend. Im not a drunk but I drank alot. Within the next month Kelly decided to tell me that she in fact was having a relationship with the guy that I was charged with making threats to and dropped the bomb on me that she was now seeing another guy from my past that had betrayed me and went behind my back  years ago when I went to prison the second time. He tried to convince Kelly before my first son was born to just forget about me and that he could be the babies father. Some friends I had when I was younger . Now she is madly in love with him. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth really..

Now to recently.. I was at a party and got a phone call from a female friend of mine. She told me she was on the train on her way to my house because her grandfather had punched her in the mouth and was very uncomfortable staying there . (she lives with her grandparents and has been living with physical abuse from him for a while now. In all of my infinite wisdom I decided to leave the party and go get her from the nearest train station. she had no where else she could turn and I paniced because her only other alternative was to go to her mothers in the same area where Bella used to live which is a drug haven and bad place to live. I mean Really bad place to live. At 4 am the hookers prowl the streets and the drug dealers are so bold that they will walk right up to you and show you wut they have and name their prices.

I got into my car, Started it and only had to travel 6 miles to get to the train station…. Epic Fail. I go tpulled over and then arrested for Driving under the influence. Major problem. Not only now am I looking at losing my license for a year at the  most but now If I get convicted of the D.U.I. I violate probation and still have 20 months to serve on probation. Sighs.. Thing that gets me.. I didnt go out for personal reasons. I didnt just decide I need smokes or I need to get more beer. I was going out to go help someone. I was doing almost the right thing and Karma or wutever you want to call it relaly screwed me . In actuality I knew I screwed myself. I know I made the wrong decision. Now Im going to pay for that , for trying to be a friend and helping out someone who needed it. This is called an ” FML” moment. that stands for F@#k My Life moment.

My unemployment ran dry thanks to the US Congress and their lack to do what they have to without playing political games and My Probation officer is going to hang me. Im back in counseling due to the court order evalution that im just getting around to doing  and its costing me 35 a visit. No insurance, No assistance. No job yet and Ive put out about 100 applications and resume’s. If I go to jail its going to be for at least a minimum of 3 months. Ill lose everything , the room Im renting, My car, my sanity, whatever is left of my broken life. When I get out .. There will be no money, No job, No car, No license, No place to stay.

Well thats whats new with me. So, the next time you feel like your life sucks just reread this… Oh and have a nice day and remember to smile because you may make someone elses day a smile better then it was before.